The One With The Huge Ears

In Dating on 04/25/2009 at 7:13 pm

By his pictures and description “Rob” looked to be a normal, conservative guy with appealing looks and a reasonable amount of intelligence. OK, I’m a bit shallow. I need the looks with the smarts. When I showed up for our “meeting” (do I have to call it a date??)I was expecting to have a drink and good conversation with a well dressed man. I walked into the bar area of the restaurant and he shouted at me.

“HEY! I’m over here! I’m your date!”

That was enough to make me spin and head out the door but the whole roomful of people smiled at me with that “Glad it’s you not me look”. I had to hold my head up high.

I looked at him and thought he must be mistaken. He had on a grey hooded sweatshirt that stood out like dirty laundry against the well groomed patrons. I don’t even want to get started talking about his ears. Obviously they were pinned back in his online photograph because they were a whole lot larger than I recalled. I was about to meet Dumbo.

I immediately downed a glass of wine at the bar after saying hello is my most pleasant “I’d rather be sleeping” voice. I’m not much of a drinker but I felt a good liver soaking coming on. My eyes were focused on the larger, flapping ears that brushed the hood of his ever so attractive sweatshirt. He motioned that we had a table waiting for dinner. Dinner? Ohhhhh…..dinner. Great.

I politely sat down and tried to think of a way to bail out. He was pleasant enough but immediately tore off half a loaf of bread and began eating with his mouth open. I’ve seen 3 year olds with better manners. The waitress came to take our order and I ordered a salad. A salad. This is the woman who will order a caveman cut of beef with four side dishes….but I ordered a salad. I think it sounded faster to eat than soup and I wanted to get out of the restaurant as soon as possible. It was Bewitched marathon night on TV and I found that to have more potential.

His order was much more extravagant than mine. He ordered two appetizers, a bottle of expensive wine, a salad and an entree. Of course, he asked for another loaf of bread. That was already gone and crumbs were sticking to his face.

When the food came, my salad was overshadowed by the buffet “Rob” had ordered for himself. By the time he was done with his appetizers, he was already ordering the second bottle of wine. As much as I wish I could have been numbed by a few glasses of wine, I needed my wits about me. I slowly sipped my second glass of wine and chased it with a few shots of water.

I finished my salad and watched this guy eat like he hadn’t had a speck of food in months. He talked while he ate, ate while he talked and talked some more. I have no idea what he was saying. I was more focused with my escape route. I excused myself to the bathroom so I could have a few moments away from his open mouth chewing. When I returned to the table he was enjoying dessert. A large piece of chocolate cake with a hot cup of something with more liquor in it.

I thought I had no shame when it came to food. This was truly a site to behold….but not to behold too long. When the check came to the table I felt a sense of relief. This evening was almost done. I could race to the comfort of my couch and try to forget my encounter with Dumbo the Pig.

“Well, I’m having a GREAT time”, he shouted at me with cake crumbs surrounding his lips. “What should we do next??”

Next?? A great time? How could I be so fortunate? I told him that I was a bit tired and probably should be going.

He paused and then slowly slid the check over to my side of the table and said, “Well, why don’t you get the check and I’ll get us a hotel room?” All said with a straight face.

I stood up and pulled a $20 bill out of my wallet. I placed it on top of the check and slid it back onto his side of the table.

“Here’s $20 for my salad and wine. I hope you enjoy your hotel room.” I said with a smirk. Oh, if I only had the energy to say a few more words….

I walked out so fast I probably left smoke behind me. I raced down the street, jumped in my car and drove home in time to catch the Bewitched marathon. Exactly where I should have been to begin with.

  1. Too funny. You should have simply said at the beginning, “Thanks but I was expecting a gentleman to show up for this date”, and then left. Would have saved you $20 and the time it took to pat his ego. Men like that have no balls and are not worth your time or even theirs. They’ve got no love of self and are full of lack and limitation. Your light is so much more deserving.


  2. Too funny. I love this new page on your site. when you have run out of material…which I’m sure will be several years (where ARE the good single men, anyway?) , then perhaps you can reach out and have guest bloggers. You will probably be drowned by all the incoming stories!!

  3. OMG… That was really a bad date , I must say. Anyways, Loved this page… Looking forward to next stories 🙂

  4. I really hope that some of my former dates don’t pick up on your idea and write about their misadventures with me….;)

  5. I need to tell about the gay guy. Darling fellow, but I wasn’t his cup of tea. Why he asked me out?

    And Mr. I’ll Fly You To the Bahamas in my Private Jet. The biggest argument for not marrying for money.

    Mr. Doorknob was in there too.

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